We are ever changing.
We get a flow down and then poof- change.
This is a great joy and challenge of life. And we can meet it with resistance or surrender.
I have been a person that LOVES change. Growing up, I would rearrange my room a kagillion times. I loved moving. I loved changing up my routine. I would openly walk toward the change and challenge. That was all until I became a mother.
I vividly remember resting on my couch, with my newborn on my chest, thinking "holy fucking shit, what just happened?"
Through the trauma I experienced in childbirth and this new, deep love and protection that I felt for this little perfect child of mine, something bizarre happened. This change was so massive to me that created a barrier or a bubble within me.
All of the tools that worked for me in the past (mindfulness, yoga, breath, FEELING) just weren't available to me. I couldn't access them. I never wanted to leave the house, for it was my cocoon. It was my safe spot where I could keep her safe and me away from the outer world filled with life.
I couldn't touch my belly. I couldn't close my eyes to meditate. I couldn't bring myself to roll out my yoga mat.
Because you see...then I would feel. I would feel the emotion of shame, disappointment, exhaustion, lack of control, fear.
It wasn't until about 4 weeks into motherhood that I found myself being held in Mother Earth's arms. My Reiki teacher had transitioned and they were having her celebration of life. And oh my world, the location was stunning (I get chilly willies just thinking about it).
I was surrounded by birds flying, a vast rolling valley that met breath-taking mountains and this energy of purple. This energy of deep peace and comfort. The nerves were there because I knew what was coming.
The lady who was leading the celebration, invited us to close our eyes and feel the energy around and within us. You can imagine, I was sort of, kind of like "fuckkkkk". But I knew it was time.
So I slowly, and with hesitation, closed my eyes and tears poured out of me. I could feel this hug engulfing every square inch of me, telling me that it was safe to arrive. Arrive in this new self. Feel and lean into all the aches and pains that this huge growth delivered.
I was able to then go deeper within hug and love these parts of self that I had neglected and avoided. It was as if I was being hugged and then I went in to hug these parts within. Holy whoa, right?!
I came away from that experience reminded of these incredible energies that are around me and within me, every single moment. Reminded that Mother Earth, the mother of all mothers, is here ready to nurture, guide and hold me when I need it.
As we know, growth takes time. With compassion and a tender heart towards myself, I was able to touch my belly, meditate and come back to the four corners of my yoga mat. I was able to lean into my experience and explore its lessons, its messages. And with time, I was able to love every square inch of it all. Surrender to this idea of control that I thought I could keep from maiden to mother.
That was the very start of this practice of deeply connecting to this powerful spirit within. Surrendering to these new changes that weren't in my control. It requires this softness, this non-attach-ness.
All parts of self want to be heard. If we don't pause and listen we are creating more disruption within. Almost as if we are pushing against the river's flow rather than turning around, laying back and trusting it's path, her guidance.
Being transformed into a mother was a deep soul change for me. One that dismantled the old, to create space for the new.
Again and again, I come back to my heart, my true home to listen what she is saying. And you can bet your bottom's ass that there is certainly still resistance that shows up. But that's the practice, you see. Showing up anyway. Deciding to lean into that resistance, ask why it's there, thanking it and loving on it.
Arriving to self, again and again.